The Mother/Daughter Psych Session 1

I'm doing okay, getting things back to the "new normal," keeping my apartment clean, paying my bills...

But MS and Mini are not okay.

On Mini's request, I came in to a sit-down with them and while I was asked to be there in group, it ended up as me as a facilitator to listen to them speak to one another and validate and be a decent.

I'd say it went well, except it didn't. Mini is angry about MS having Dude over all the time, voiced her disapproval at his presence and occasional commentary which - intentional or not - makes her feel like he's trying to be a parent. MS voiced her frustration at Mini's negative attitude and constant combativeness. Mini stated her direct expectations on when Dude should be there. And...crickets.

They've got some work to do, and I really hope I can be a part of it, even as a third-party facilitator. After watching MS's relationship with own mother deteriorate into nothingness before she passed, the only thing I can hope for is that MS and Mini can reconcile their differences.

And with both their natures being so adversarial, "hope" is the operative word.

I guess I'm just lucky to be a part of it right now. I'm a man. I want to fix. But I'm also intelligent in that I know that I can't really fix, but perhaps by listening and guiding I might be able to help.

I so hope I can help. I can't watch another mother/daughter relationship disappear in front of my eyes.

Thanksgiving: Uncomfortable

A little late, but a note about Thanksgiving.

It was strange.

I was spending it with my sister, but Mini wanted to make a showing at my ex-father-in-law's (EFIL) yearly extravaganza. The drop-off was normal as we'd actually had brunch with them a few weeks ago. "You're not getting rid of us that easy," as he'd said then. So we caught up for a few minutes and I headed out until the Mini pickup.

And then I picked her up. So much family. And what struck me was the "oh, we haven't seen you in so long" and "we miss seeing you around." It struck me because I suddenly realized no one knew MS and I had split, that I'd been moved out for five months. And they just thought I had decided to be absent.

It was conflicting because I just wanted to shout out the truth, but apparently that hadn't been part of any reveal. It was strange because I was showing up and saying hi and giving hugs and MS wasn't even going to make an appearance because she was out of town with her new boyfriend.

And it was comforting in a way - with EFIL and his wife and my ex-sister-in-law all telling me they want to hang out. Because I will. Because family is not about a word, but a relationship, and even if the legal definitions of that relationship change, I still love hanging out with them and still consider them all family.

And it was sad. Sad that I was there to say hi when MS hadn't but let her sister let her dad know she wouldn't be there, that the blood's ex is in good graces while MS has a great deal of working to do to repair her familial relationships. Unfortunately, her eyes for Dude are tainting everything, including her relationship with our daughter.

But that's a post for another day.

I Was Back in the House This Weekend

Got to babysit the dog (and Mini) in the ol' house this past weekend while MS was out of town. So strange. Scribbled this down:

No less than three vases of flowers from Dude to MS litter the living and dining room areas. A list in his handwriting hangs on the fridge of things that need to be done to fix up the house. Bicycling and fitness magazines have replaced Scientific American and Game Informer in the basket on top of the toilet tank.

But I'm here for Mini. I'm here for the dog. MS is out of town, Dog doesn't like my place (she begins howling in a trip to take out the garbage), and we don't trust Mini in an empty house (there was a boob hickey incident trigger for that). So I'm here, in this home that was once mine, in a home that now feels like I'm visiting my parents. At least that's how I make it make sense to my brain.

Almost everything is familiar, but so, so distant. Empty areas abound. Dude's stuff punctuates certain places, like the toothbrush holder. The library is still empty of my desk and presence, but there is his bike. I open the fridge to a mysterious stock.

I wander in a foreign land, a place once my own home, never again.

The Dating Game - in Reverse

I've kept some of it back, something that will probably aid in a fuller understanding of the situation as a whole. Just kind of hurts to hash through. But here it goes.

MS is dating. She's been dating for several months. She met Dude on St. Pat's and it grew (very slowly at first) from there. For the two months before I moved out, she was a ghost: she's show up at the house 2-3 times a week, sometimes for dinner and then to disappear, sometimes for a quick shower in the morning. My (and Mini's) pleas for communication - even a text - about when she'd be there were often ignored.

Then I moved out end of June - and MS is there now, but much of the time, so is Dude.

Meaning: Mini has been missing her mom for a long time. The absences were brief at first and peaked right before I moved, and Mini's connection with her mother has been waning along with it. Then I go away and while MS is back in person, Mini still misses her - because Dude is there: at the house, during activities - and she doesn't really like him (combo of personality clash, perception of paternal replacement, and usurping MS's time). And all she wants is to spend time with MS without him.

MS is, understandably, a little defensive about it in saying that she wasn't gone that often and that Mini's schedule is as much to blame and Dude's not around that much ...all the way to a frustrated "I'm paying the mortgage and I'll invite who I want in this house."

And I don't know how to tell her to back up a minute, that our daughter's only 17, and sometimes she just wants her mommy. Though I'm working it out in my head. I hope time or my words will start a reconciliation between the two because right now it's a little tense: MS is put off by Mini's distance, frustrated with me because I'm always in good graces, and Mini is slowly sliding towards living with me most of the time.


Oh, and how am I doing with my wife seriously dating some guy? At first I was pissed about it, but in reality I can't control what MS does, even if it's mildly detrimental to our daughter. I've met him a handful of times, and I'm not a fan, though I'm sure I'm a little biased on the subject. My blink reaction is we'll never be buds based on personality, and I'm conflicted about the integrity of a man who dates a married woman, despite the circumstances. Also, I worry about MS, that she jumping in to something just to jump into something and will end up badly stung on this rebound.

It still hurts. She's taken him to two weddings where we had common friends - and I therefore did not attend. Basically, I've rationalized it enough so I'm not constantly thinking about it, but every so often it'll hit me like a lightning bolt. And for a little while it really, really sucks.