It Was a Bad Weekend

I spent this past weekend mostly sleeping, mostly resting. Mini was with MS since she's gone during the week with work currently. I fought off insomnia with alcohol and movies and generally stayed up until almost dawn and slept until at least 4pm, though that was mostly waking by noon and curling up in anxiety for hours. I dragged myself out of apathy, messed around on the internet, went to the bar for a few drinks, and went back home with to-go food.

I know this is untenable.

This week, I'm working on forcing myself up, getting a normal schedule in order, and getting out to the apartment gym at least once.

I'll let you know how I've done.

Every day is different. Some days are bad. And I rely on the fact that when they are, the next will be better. Most are.

I'll take it.

Apathy

In the last few days, I've found myself a new friend: Apathy.

MS and Mini are out of town right now and with nothing or no one really checking on me, I'm finding myself a little apathetic.

It's not depression. I've already been through that bit and overwhelmed by it to the need for saving and being pulled out of my rut. I'm feeding myself and my cat and keeping the apartment (while still in progress) in order and clean.

But twice in as many weeks, I've opted to sleep for over twelve hours. When I got up, I wasn't sad or angry, just despondent. Who cares? What do I really have to do? I made it up to 15 hours this past weekend.

But I suppose because I recognize it, I'll be okay.

My focus for the next few days is to put together a schedule that includes some sort of activity, a little working out as it were, whether in the apartment gym or just rolling around on my bike.

I think if I can get into that window, I can start truly feeling better about myself, and, hence, truly learning how to love myself.

Because that's still on the "to do" list.