And the Girl I Kissed...

And the girl I kissed. Let's call her MH.

It's been amazing. We've been together for almost six months now. And I'm loving every minute.

We're spending exceptional time together and I've quickly fallen in love. Again.

My only worry is that I'm falling again too quickly; not that it's too quickly for the relationship, but that it's too quickly for me. I just spent my last 14 years with a woman I'll no longer be married to next month. I have powerful feelings for MH and nothing will change that. I'm battling with wonderful time with her and figuring out what time I need to remember to love myself.

I'd say I'm well on the way to loving myself. If I had a meter I'd be at about 60% (was down near 20% when I started this blog).

I just want to be happy and to make others happy. It's easier to make her happy than me, so I focus on that, which makes me happy, but not in the way I need.

So...working on it.

I promise more updates. But for now, know, overall, I'm pretty damn happy. :)

Xmas Terrors

Little late on the scene here, but Christmas was part great fam fun and part nightmare.

The fun part is easy: great time with family.

The nightmare part, not so much. MS was pretty busy with work and decided she was staying in town as Mini and I headed to Cleveland. Since Mini wasn't able to drive her grandmother, her aunt's Xmas was cancelled. Shitty on all points.

Mini was livid and totally shut down during the Xmas time. I went out myself to bring her grandmother to feast with my own fam by invitation, and if I hadn't asked Mini to take her Grandmother's coat, she wouldn't have said five words to her throughout the evening.

WTF?

I know she was pissed about the circumstances, but don't be shitty to your own grandmother by completely ignoring her during the gathering. Right?

I don't get mad. I deal with things as they come. But this snub made me so angry it about brought me to tears during the night. I love Mini and I love grandma, and I could not possibly fathom the disregard she showed her during the night.

The night was fine, grandma was okay and enjoyed it. But Mini.... And when I asked her about it, she played it off like she did nothing wrong.

We raised her better.

Apathy

In the last few days, I've found myself a new friend: Apathy.

MS and Mini are out of town right now and with nothing or no one really checking on me, I'm finding myself a little apathetic.

It's not depression. I've already been through that bit and overwhelmed by it to the need for saving and being pulled out of my rut. I'm feeding myself and my cat and keeping the apartment (while still in progress) in order and clean.

But twice in as many weeks, I've opted to sleep for over twelve hours. When I got up, I wasn't sad or angry, just despondent. Who cares? What do I really have to do? I made it up to 15 hours this past weekend.

But I suppose because I recognize it, I'll be okay.

My focus for the next few days is to put together a schedule that includes some sort of activity, a little working out as it were, whether in the apartment gym or just rolling around on my bike.

I think if I can get into that window, I can start truly feeling better about myself, and, hence, truly learning how to love myself.

Because that's still on the "to do" list.